"What would you do if you woke up and there was a beautiful black woman sitting on your face?"

The following Wednesday, the same two bodybuilder students (see previous post) come back for their afternoon class.
"What did you guys do on the weekend?"
"Banya."
"Great. Tell me about it."
"We went to banya, we suggest to you good banya, beautiful women there."
"What do women have to do with the banya? Do you have sex in the banya?"
"Yes."
"But your heart- it could explode, you could die." I can never tell when anyone here is trying to fuck with my head.
"We are alive! Don't worry, you don't need to get girls, you just need..." Igor pulls out his palm pilot and starts typing... "Steam!"
"Right. What is nice about the banya?"
"Steam- good for skin. You steam and then you jump in cold pool. Then you steam again. You drink vodka. We will suggest good banya to you, we find address. You can to join us next time."
"Is it expensive?"
"800 rubles. 200 rubles for- venniki." He punches on his palm pilot again. "Switch. Pine switch, birch switch, oak switch," he continues, tapping away.
"What are they for?"
"You are in steam room, you lay and hit to you the back with... switches. Then you jump into cold pool."
"OK- we have some grammar to talk about today. Do you guys know the conditional?"
"Yes, yes, we talked about this in school. We want to know more."
I walk to the board. "OK, you know the conditional is used to talk about imaginary situations, not real situations." To keep them focused on grammar, I writing a boring sentence on the whiteboard: What would you do if you had a million dollars? " So- guys- let's divide the sentence in two. The first part ends at if, the second part starts after if. Vladimir- in the first part of the sentence, which verb tense do you see?"
He looks attentively- his English is a half-step higher than Igor's- and says, "Conditional."
"Right. Conditional means,  would + infinitive." It's an oversimplification, but a useful one. "Now, which verb tense is in the second part of the sentence- Igor?"
"Past simple."
"Great. Which part of the sentence is about cause, and which is about effect- Vladimir?"
"First part- cause. Second part- result."
"Good. Igor- can you do this?" I erase first part of the sentence and rewrite it at the end, resulting in - If you had a million dollars what would you do-.
"Yes."
"Good. Now- what would you do if the school replaced me with a black teacher?"
"If he is good teacher..."
"Please use the conditional."
"If he were a good teacher, we would accept him!" Igor tells me. There statements from the previous class felt parroted and maybe insincere. I am relieved.
"What would you do if you were blind," -I let Igor look up 'blind' on his palm pilot- "and discovered that your girlfriend of two years was black?"
"I would know!"
I feel my heart sink a little. "How?" I ask, anticipating a comment about facial structure.
"The smell!"
"What?"
"The smell!"
"Guys, I live in a country where a good proportion of the people are black. If there were a smell, I would know about it, or have heard something about at least. There is no smell. Do you ever go out and eat curry?"
"Yes, we love curry!"
"How do you smell the next day?"
"Terrible!" they burst out laughing.
"So- when Indians eat curry, do they smell, or does the garlic running down their armpits smell?"
"Garlic!"
"If a black person smells, do you think it is the person, or maybe something they're eating? And seriously, I would have heard something about this smell if it were true."
They seem surprised.
I can't really blame these guys- they are not stupid, but not drawn to anything intellectual, either, and probably are just repeating the few things they have heard about a topic they have nothing to do with. This discussion is all quanta and if a black guy walked into the room right now with some beer they would just drink with him like anyone else. This is the unsatisfying part of being an English teacher- we are action only to the extent that speech is an action.
I need to get the conversation going again. My boss is a serious rat, and I'm not sure if she is going to pay me next month. I can say whatever I want.
"Guys- what would you do if you woke up and there was a beautiful black woman sitting on your face?"
"I never sleep with black woman!"
"Igor- please remember- this is an imaginary situation. It's the conditional. Now please answer- Vladimir. What would you do?"
They break up laughing, and I spend the rest of class in a paid discussion about various sexual adventures.
I love this job.